Let’s Start at the Very Beginning (Part I)….

“Let’s start at the very beginning”, in the words of Julie Andrews, “it’s a very good place to start”.  So how did I end up as a 39 year-old who has thrown their whole life into upheaval in order to transition to living as female?  How did I not determine this sooner?  Why transition now?  Did I always know I was a woman?  It’s taken me some time and a lot of psycho-therapy to find the answers to these questions but let me dig right in.

As I look back now, the reality is I always knew something was off.  As a kindergartner in a Catholic school, I can remember being curious and a  little jealous of the plaid jumpers and tights that the girls in my class got to wear. Often times I wanted to play with the girls but was shunned because I was a boy.  I learned very quickly in that social setting that any talk of doing things the girls do was shameful.  I dared never share the fact that I wished I could wear their clothes and play their games.  Shame and fear taught me to bury my feelings and just be a boy.

So that’s what I did all through elementary school. I played sports, I hung out with the other boys, I tried to fit in. I struggled often. I got into fights at school and was a regular visitor in the principal’s office. I had a hard time making many friends other than just a couple key friends.  As we got closer to high school, I started to figure out that I had a much easier time understanding and talking to girls than I did boys.

My cross dressing started while I was in elementary school as well. I can still vividly remember the first time, while playing with my sisters, that they had me wear pantyhose and a pair of my mothers sandals. The feeling was exotic and exhilarating.  However, I dare not tell anyone.  I started cross-dressing in private. I had ample opportunity when I would be home alone to steal my mother’s or my sisters’ clothes and dress up.  As puberty started to settle in, my activities took on a more sexual tone and I started to look at my cross-dressing as more of a fetish.

It was in my middle-school years when I remember Jerry Springer and Maury Povich had very popular daytime talk shows.  I can remember seeing many episodes where they had transsexual guests revealing themselves to lovers or family members.  Secretly, I’d fantasize about what it would be like to become a woman. Yet again however, these were shameful thoughts that I needed to tuck away and ignore. While it was a fun fantasy, I just “knew” I wasn’t like them.  They were portrayed as freaks and I was not a freak.  So add in more denial.

As I entered high school, things didn’t get better. In a much larger setting, I still had all the awkwardness that I had experienced in elementary school.  I didn’t make many male friends, but I was great at getting into the “friend zone” with the girls. My cross-dressing continued in private while in public I tried like hell to fit in as a guy.  I was bullied, I was picked on, I got into a few fights and I tried to fit in with any crowd that I could.  It just didn’t work.  In my freshmen year, I met this cute little cheerleader who would later become my wife.  After being friends and her switching to a different school, we started dating in our sophomore year.  He was this cheerleader, a girl who had all the popular friends, dating me.  The scrawny geek who was picked on and tormented.  Truly, the geek got the girl!!  I did everything I could to try and be more of a man for her, even if I didn’t really understand how.

To be continued…..



One Reply to “Let’s Start at the Very Beginning (Part I)….”

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